Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize