some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
