If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
