my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
