I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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