you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
