I'm going to jail i love you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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