Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
