I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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