I wish my penis had an off switch
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
