so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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