Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
