Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
