how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
