im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
