why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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