And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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