I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
