now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize