she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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