Who wears a wallet chain?!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
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