my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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