Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
