so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
