Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
