i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
