dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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