I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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