Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
