no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm passing your future prison.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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