Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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