you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
