I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
