I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize