I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
