This dress was meant to end up on your floor
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Enjoy the penises
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
