i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
