They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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