also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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