Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
