Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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