i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
