dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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