Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
