I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
