She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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