Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
