cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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