omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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