At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
