I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
