I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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