I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
