here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
