The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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